Ever feel that you are falling apart at the seams, but you just can't change it? That's where I am. For the past ten and a half months, I haven't been able to live. Living under someone else's roof is hard. Abiding by their rules, raising a three year old and trying to stay out of the way. Not able to say what's on your mind, in fear of any hostility.
For the past ten and a half months I have emotionally wanted to go home. Being with my husband is home. I have done everything under my power to be with him. It just isn't good enough for the Army. I have lost all faith in humanity, the Army, and God. Nothing I could ever do will be good enough. I have cried myself to sleep begging for God to please let me be with my husband since October. Why can't I just be with him? WHY?! I have less than a month until the d-word, and I don't think I will be able to hold him before he goes. That means another whole year without him. That will make it two years without him. It just doesn't seem fair. I played by the rules. I have been patient, entrusted that when my husband turned in the paperwork to the woman in Germany that it was all getting taken care of. Come to find out, in January, she literally did nothing since October and the paperwork was then given to another person. And here I sit, on Valentine's Day, alone. I have lived more poorly than any other person I think ever has. I have gone without so much, to ensure my husband has enough to live on, and the baby has what he needs. Who else lives off of $200 a month? And when you are with the military, that means $100 every 15 days or so. Now do that for the last ten and a half months of your life and check your mental stability then. In the meantime, you are living with other people, mocking and question you, and your parenting skills, and never getting a break.
I guess I really don't understand my husband. If it was me that was separated from my son and spouse I would be down at that office asking and questioning what is being done and what the hell is the damn hold up. I would camp that office like a store giving away a free 60" TV. My first thought would be to get down there and see if there was any good news that they were coming. And if there wasn't I would ask why, and who isn't doing their job. I feel like I'm being neglected from him, and the Army. Like me and the baby mean nothing, and that he really doesn't want to see us before he goes to the most dangerous place in the world. I don't understand why.
They say, 'if you want it done, you have to do it yourself." But there is nothing more I can really do from where I'm at. What am I suppose to do? Go see my congressman? I surely can't take my husband by the hand and make him go down there. And I'm two and a half hours away from the army base. I"m tired and I just want to get on with my life. Live in my own home. Raise my baby how I want. And make my husband our favorite meals before he deploys. I guess it's just asking too much. I have no feelings anymore. I'm high strung, angry and on the verge of tears from the second I wake up, until the second I go to bed. I'm just so tired of all of this. I want to go back from before the Army ransacked our lives. When everything was normal.
