Be sincere; be brief; be seated. Franklin D. Roosevelt
Every night since October 5th, I have prayed to be with my husband. Every 11:11 and falling star I have wished to get to Germany. Every night, I prayed to God, "please let me get to my husband, and please let him stay safe during his deployment. I am not exceptionally religious. When I was a child, my parents would take me to church on Sunday's. I attended Sunday school. I believed that there was someone, somewhere watching over me and protecting me in some way. My brother and I was baptized at the same church. One day, my Mom was asked to leave and not come back. They laughed at a guy crying, apparently during the whole sermon. That, I believe, is when I started to lose faith. When I really started to question why a person of God would deny a lamb to be with their flock. I questioned why someone who would divorce to not enter Heaven. I know some family members back when I was a child who were divorced and not being allowed into Heaven. Why would God allow such good people be put to Hell. My mom divorced her first husband. My father who also is divorced. That would mean my parents would not be with me when I die? Why? I do take what some of the bible says seriously, the divorce thing for one. Honor thy Mother and Father. And although they have hurt me in the past, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to them when I was mad at them. I do believe your actions will make you suffer in the long run. I would often read "the footprints" plaque my mom had and often thought of when I die, will they show how often only one set of prints were pressed into the sand? Based just on the last ten years, there will be a lot of "one set of footprints".
I lost my faith a while ago. The pain I went through as a teenager, I think God had lost faith in me. He left me behind. I struggle now to find religion. The correct religion. The religion where God actually listens to me.
I would say last year, I started to find God again. I read the first book, "Left Behind" in the Left Behind series. It really opened my eyes. It is a semi-religious book. Had I had known that it was a book with God content in it, I probably wouldn't have picked it up. It captured me, it lured me in. They say when you come to a point in your search to ask God for a sign that he's here. I asked him, and I do believe he gave me a sign. He has given me several signs that someone is watching me. I just hope whoever it is, that they love me and answer my prayers, instead of doing the opposite to my prayers.
Last night, I did my ritual of setting up the couch bed and laying down and watching the last bit of tv before I turn the room pitch black. When the room turns dark, I start my praying the exact same way: "Dear God, please let me be with my husband. I miss him so much. Please God, let me be with my husband, I am so tired of sleeping alone. Please God, let me go to Germany before he deploys. Please God, please? Please God, keep him safe when he deploys. Please God, keep him safe." During all this I cry like a little baby. I actually cried so hard last night that the tears streamed directly into my ears. It was like having water in your ears when you swim. I actually had to sit up and shake it out, they way you do when you swim. haha. After praying like this since October 5th, I'm starting to lose faith again. Why aren't my prayers getting answered? Am I not praying right? Was I left behind again. I feel so defeated. So tired.
Now, go have a Pepsi, it'll make you feel better.
Pepsimama
